Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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