hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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