but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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