i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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