im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
