Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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