Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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