i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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