the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
