dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
