Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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