I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
