I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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