my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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