it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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