Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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