Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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