Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
