Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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