so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
