im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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