I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
