Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
