you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
