How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
