She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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