Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
