That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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