i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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