there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
