You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
