The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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