There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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