I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize