He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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