Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
