my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
