The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
