I think i peed on brittanys purse
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
