I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
