This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
