i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
