i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
