so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
