thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
PANTIES FOUND
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
