Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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