I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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