I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
