I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
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I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
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I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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