A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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