carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
