JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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