Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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