my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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