I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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