Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
