if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..