i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
