just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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