You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
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Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
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It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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