There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
