Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
