I think I won the penis lottery.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
