he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
